Friday, 17 October 2014

Weekly Update | 17/10/2014

Hello my leaves how are you today?

This week I am feeling motivated. You know that moment where your mind just flips a switch? I had that on Sunday evening. I had spent the entire weekend feeling listless and mopey and generally like my mental health was deteriorating again. On sunday I was home alone and decided I was going to listen to music on full blast and just dance for the hell of it like I used to. It was mid-mtv rocks countdown that I decided to do something I haven't done in a looong time, two years:

Belly Dance.

You don't know this about me yet but I used to be President of the University's Belly Dance Society. I loved it! I was doing three hours of lessons a week and choreography for performances and a whole heap of practice in my room, student halls was lively and blissfully unaware of me and my shimmy belt. Dancing made me feel EUPHORIC.

'Why did you stop?' I hear you ask. Mentally I was having a nightmare of a time. Uni was hitting it's final wind up and in the November of my final year my doctors told me that something had to stop if I was going to finish and not, well, you know. My mental health was at the lowest point it had ever been and this had been building and building like a balloon over the years.

I didn't want to pop but I couldn't give up Uni. I couldn't give up my part time jobs. I had to give up my presidency. I was heartbroken but I had to listen to my body and my doctors, something I should have done a lot earlier in the game.

I made a real mess of telling my fellow society leaders and I don't think I even told them the real reasons. I know that they felt betrayed as they had to take up my role and if they ever read this post I hope they can understand now some of what was going on then, and that I am truly sorry for the mess and stress I created.

For two years I didn't dance. Not even for fun. I didn't go to any lessons. I stopped going to the events  and performances. I couldn't face it.

Until today. (Sunday)

I'd kept all my dancing things and my society clothing and decided that today, with that brain switch in motion, I was going to belly dance. I was awful. As expected. I have lost a lot of my stomach muscle and it killed to do some of the most basic moves and to feel them be so robotic and uncomfortable. It made me really feel like I had betrayed my body. I had let it get to such a state of inflexibility.

After a little cry I decided to time myself one hour and just did warm up exercises and very basic steps. By the end of the hour I felt a little better and could feel that there was some muscle still present it was just tucked away.

It's time to get back into dancing and to feel better. Dancing wasn't what made me ill and I need to remember this. Dancing makes me feel so much better about myself and I already feel more confident after a week of doing ten minutes practice each evening.

To help myself out I've started doing one of those '30 day' challenges and I really hope that I stick to it.

I've also booked in a taster session of self defence for next week to try and get out more and start building my own network down south. I feel like I've wasted the last few years hiding away and using my anxiety as an excuse to not try anything. I am at the point where I'm so scared of falling that I don't want to climb the stairs but I'm going to break it.

This hasn't quite been a weekly update but I have taken my before photos and I will keep you updated of my progress!!

I hope this post hasn't been too dull for you and if you've made it to this point let me know in the comments :)

Have you made any commitments that you're struggling to keep? Maybe we can support each other? :)

Make your own choices

Toodlepip x